Tomorrow is Bell Let’s Talk day….I am not going to dispute whether it is a good inniative or not, but I believe that mental health issues are definitely something that should be talked openly about. Even for me…and I feel I am pretty open when it comes to my mental health, if you read back through my posts there are several that are solely about my struggles and others that mention them within the context of other things.
I wrote a blog near the end of last year about how crappy the year 2022 had been for us. I did not go into details (and I won’t be going into a whole lot today either) but today I am ready to share one of the issues that made me struggle this past year.
I hit rock bottom early in the year…now I understand that everyone’s rock bottom can look different…from the outside I bet no one even noticed/knew I was there, but I was. I basically had two options, I could step off the rock and fall…never to get up again or turn around and start the climb back up to the surface.
I would say it was not an easy place to be…but that is not the truth, it was easy, at the time I was not sad or upset…I literally felt no emotion at all. I was willing to accept my fate, whatever it may be. Looking back now, I realize it was a very scary place to be, but honestly at the time…I was calm and felt in control, it all felt very logical.
I knew only I could decide which way I would go, down to the last stop or back up to the land of the living. I decided to give the latter a chance…knowing that if it failed, the drop off into nothingness was still there waiting for me.
I sought help, received it with abundance and after a few weeks of therapy and medication…I saw glimmers of hope…the small rays of sunshine were starting to break through…yes small but exactly what I needed to keep going.
It took about 6 weeks before I was able to see the top off the climb, it was there within reach and looking back down I knew which way I wanted to choose.
That experience changed me….I was able to sit and enjoy the little things more than I had in years past. Worries were less, because I was alive and what was there to worry about? My head had quieted, there was a calm within my mind…a euphoria i had forgotten was even possible. I now realize I was on a high from getting through my low…it lasted about 6 months (even within that time so much more crappy life happened…that I will share at another time) but I was able to weather it all fairly well, due to the experience of hitting rock bottom.
I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder….and we figure I had been struggling with it for about 6-7 years…maybe longer. I already knew I was dealing with PMDD (which in fact is considered PME if dealing with other issues…) but I had never quite found the right treatment, was it because I was not treating the right disorders or my body was just not ready to respond…I will never know.
I do know that I had hoped, because of feeling so good for the last six months, that I had been ‘cured’….but unfortunately, like everyone else, I still have some ups and downs…and while they may seem like little pot holes vs the crater of last year…they are still there and making life a rocky ride for myself and my family. But I have not lost hope yet, and that to me is all I need…because I know once hope is lost, then the pot holes can become craters again, maybe too easily.
As always, I share my struggles and triumphs to encourage others in a similar situation…while it is therapeutic for myself as well. It helps me remember how far I have come, and how to see the signs and symptoms of heading back down….so that I do not allow myself to ever go there again. I know I cannot do this alone, while it has to be my choice…helping hands/friendly faces of friends and family can aid me and be with me so I will know and believe I am not alone.
Next week’s blog will be short. It is something I wrote right in the midst of my struggle…I was told it should be shared…and I have debated sharing because it was so intimate and personal to me…but I also want to share so that if you (yes YOU, if my blog is resonating with you…it is you whom I have written it for) are feeling like I was, there is hope and help…if I can go from where I was to where I am…you can too….even with the little potholes along the way.
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