The Look Inside

This was written within a few days of seeking help. Just a glimpse into my mind at the time. 

This is a weird feeling. I am actively suicidal, yet I feel the most peace I have felt in a long time.

Now, you may wonder what exactly that means, and maybe no one but me will even understand, but I would like to try and explain, so as to help my family and friends to understand, as well as those who may be feeling the same way.

It is interesting that while I feel at peace with my decision, I am curious to know if I am normal in my feelings or not. Is this the only way to be suicidal? Or is this just one of many? Or am I alone in this method?

I am not going searching for stories like mine, not yet anyway…so for now, I want to write out my story, cause no matter how it ends, I think it would be good to have it written down.

 
I remember the exact moment when I made my decision. It was not in the throes of panic, it was not at my lowest of my lows. It was the moment I went from ‘I feel alone’ to ‘I am alone’. At that moment I looked into myself and thought I cannot continue like this, I cannot keep doing this. I devised a plan. It was a logical rational plan. I decided to give myself enough time to get everything in order. I had to make sure my husband was left with enough of the products for our small business that I make, and to video every step of it so that when I am gone, he can take some time to grieve (while still having products to sell) and then be able to follow my instructions on how to make them himself. I have some organizing/cleaning that needs done first, so the house won’t be in total chaos when I am gone. There are also some foods that I alone make, so I would need to stock up on those as well as do a video so he will know how to make them. I decided 3 months was enough time to get all that done…so while I have not set an exact date, I do know approximately when.

I also have a method, I won’t share that with you all…that feels very personal to me, but I have the method and am certain it will help the transition be peaceful.

You may wonder how I, a 44 year old mother of 5, happily married for 26 years, have ended up here. From the outside, it would make no sense, I am sure. But if you spent any amount of time in my brain, I am sure you would come to understand.

Over the years I have had suicidal thoughts, always in desperation, while feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders/chest, feeling like I just cannot go on, but then I always do, the tides turn and while still at the back of my mind as an option, never something that I ever felt it was a necessity or a truly valid option. When I thought of it, it brought me no peace…only more chaos, unlike this time.

I know the list of things I have to live for, I love my children, I love my husband, I love our house and the cottage we get to spend time at. I love the sun on my skin and the sand on my toes, I love the cool crisp air of autumn….I love the first snowfall of the year. I love life, I really do. It is not life I am running from…it is not life (especially my life, since it is a good one) that has made me come to this point. I think this is what people do not understand the most, that everything in someone’s life can be going right/good…but they still feel the need to stop it. And maybe only other people who have felt this way can truly understand it.

I want to make this very clear. This is no 13 Reasons Why, there is no chain of events that brought me to this point. No did/did nots, no should have or could haves…this is not the fault of anyone. Maybe there are some events that either caused or made the mental illness worse, I honestly have no idea how that works or if it was just something I was going to deal with regardless of the events in my life and at this point it really doesn’t matter, but I would never blame anyone for the decision I have made, and I hope no one else will do that either. No blaming yourself or others, because in the end, as I have shared, this is my decision.

I never intended to share with anyone, I was going to keep it to myself and let the months play out, no one would even know, cause to get honest, so many of my depression symptoms have left. I no longer cry all the time, the weight/heaviness has lifted, there is no anger. After a few days I thought maybe I was healed…but the moment I think about abolishing my plan…all those feelings come back. So, it is the plan that is letting me live the way I want to, without the sadness, without the anger, without the guilt. It is the plan that is propelling me forward toward the goal.

What is the goal? Well, I have felt this overwhelming sadness off and on for a long time. It would come and go (it was named PMDD) but as of late, it just never went away…even when I would smile and know I was having a good time, the underneath sadness was constant it was there, just under the surface. The anger too, every little thing could trigger me into a spiral of yelling and crying. When it was cyclical, I could prepare for it, and know that it would come to an end. But once there was no end, I was unsure how to deal with it. I would share but never felt heard, I would share but never felt understood. So the goal was to just stop feeling like that, and the only way out I could imagine was ending it. I did think, even if I could go into a coma, that would give me the break I so desperately needed. But then what happens when I get out? (And how do you get into a coma anyway?!?!) No, I decided I needed an end. And that is when I got my plan and felt the peace.

I want everyone to understand that I do not want to die, I DO indeed want to live. Which is why, even though I am at peace with my plan, I have sought help, and am hopeful that this help will indeed prove there is another way to end the pain.

I do wonder if it is normal (what is normal? Hahahaha) to feel the way I do. I can see the ways that my decision is affecting me, which is abnormal for me. Things that would normally bother me, just are not. Watching sad things on tv or even thinking about leaving everyone behind is not having the same effect on me that it would usually have. I also like to have cash on hand that is solely mine, even if it is not much. I usually do not ‘share’ it, but I have used my cash to purchase things for other people and even when I was offered more, I turned it down (I never turn down cash). Is that common? To notice myself detaching while still engaging. Let me see if I can explain that better, I want to live my best life, until the end. So, I am engaging with my kids and my husband and even others.

I went for help, it felt more like a surreal/subconscious experience than a conscious one. I know I was there, I know it was me talking and saying it all, but it was more like I was watching it happen. Sharing felt right…and she gave me hope. Hope because she believed me, that how I felt was valid and she respected my plan. She said she hated it…and she was going to do whatever she could to help me change it, but she believed me…suddenly I was no longer alone. It was not enough for me to put my plan away or on hold…but enough that I felt I could be free, either through healing (medication and therapy) or by letting myself go through with the plan. I do pray (do I pray? Not very often….) that it is the former, but I am holding onto the latter, just in case…so that I can keep my peace, so that I know an end will come, one way or another.

It all seems logical to me, my plan is based on logic, so logically I will also search for another way to get the same result, and if in the end that is not possible I will still get the end result that I need, peace/freedom from my self and my thoughts.

I did find it odd that both the therapist and my doctor thanked me for seeking help. I understand that they don’t want anyone to kill themselves, but it felt more personal than that. It felt like they did not want me to kill myself. Which is also interesting to me because when I think of people who ‘kill themselves’ I do think of people who are erratic and desperate. I don’t feel either of those things….I have felt that way before, but not this time, this time I feel I have assessed the situation and made a decision based on the facts. The facts say that anything I have tried before to stop these thoughts and feelings from overtaking me have failed. Sure, some of them worked for a little, but they always come back, and I just cannot do it anymore. I know not everyone deals with these things, and I either need to join them or do whatever I must to stop them. And while technically that is ‘killing myself’ I prefer to just think of it as putting them to sleep for good.