The Missing Blogger

I thought I would take this blog to explain why I am spastic with my blog posts. 

I have had several people compliment my writing style, and say they enjoy reading my blogs. One person even said I am her favourite blogger. (Awww....so sweet!). Now having this information, you might think this would make me more likely to try and be consistent and encourage me to write more. Unfortunately, my brain works opposite than "normal" when it comes to things like this. 

Hearing these compliments actually makes writing blogs more stressful. If I wrote, assuming no one read or enjoyed, as I had been doing, it was easy....I could just write without overthinking how anyone would react. I guess I assumed people read, but never realized that they really wanted to read, that they enjoyed what I had to say....that my words really made a difference. Once I knew there were people who sought out my work....it got complicated for me. I now had to envision my "audience" and wondered, as I wrote (or even thought about writing) whether the subject of my blog/the content was going to be something my readers would enjoy or even care about. 

There is also a pandemic happening....this too created many issues for my writing. It is not that I did not think about different blog subjects....I still did, as I went through my day I would think "Oh that would make a good blog post". And even start to write it in my head. But 2 problems occurred with this, 1) I would second guess myself, whether it was actually a good idea and 2) by the time I got pen to paper (yes, I am old school....many times I feel better writing on paper and then typing it out....as I am doing right now. hahaha) the words that sounded so eloquent in my head did not seem to "fit" anymore, they did not flow nor did they appear to have the attention grab that I had thought they did. So, I just never wrote. 

Ben did not understand any of this....he thought "You enjoy writing, people enjoy reading...then write" HAHAHAHA Bless his soul, I know he means well, but this just added to the "weight" of pressure I was already putting on myself. And that is not a blame, like I said, he thought reminding me that people look for my blogs would be an encouragement...you would think after 25 years together, he would know that most things that I have attempted have gone "sour" if I am told too often I am good at it. (And yes, I know this is a messed up view of myself, which I have shared before and will probably again...lol) But I try and be real, and this is my real/truth...I do not want to be too "good" at something, because then there is opportunity to disappoint people....if I, for whatever reason, am not as good at it as time goes on or I mess up. 

Another truth...if you have read any of my blogs, you will know I deal with mental illness. Because of that, I would say 80% of the time I want to write my negative thoughts. And how long/how many blog posts will people actually read/want to read about my self deprecating/poor me thoughts? Seriously, 2 out of every three weeks, my mind finds it very hard to be positive....sure outward I can "pretend" all is good, but when I write all that is deep within me comes out...and I just don't want to be that negative....although, reality is...I am. 

Also, the pandemic has made my thoughts even more darker/more negative. I find I rarely get a day where I am not crying over something, I currently live with a weight on my chest (I know this is anxiety but knowing what it is does not help make it go away...hahaha) and I never know what will set me off. So, that solidifies all the other reasons I have not been blogging. 

So, going forward, I WOULD really like to blog, if people want me to...but not want me to, too much....hahahaha and honestly we have no idea what the future holds, especially this year and most likely next, but we can just take it one day at a time. I will try and be more consistent and make it a priority, as long as there is grace with my readers, knowing 1) you may not enjoy all my blogs  2) I may miss one or two here or there and 3) I may repeat myself from a slightly different angle....same pain different day type thing. 

I have decided that I will start with once a month blogs...that seems achievable...and if after some time if I get back into the swing of things....or there are any "special" occasion events I want to write about, then you may get more than 12 a year....but 12 a year seems like a nice number to me. :)