Please bear with me as I take you down the rabbit hole of my mind...
For months now I have been exhausted...mentally, emotionally, physically...my soul has been tired. Several times I have told Ben I just needed a few weeks to slow down/stop life, I need to sleep when I was tired and relax when I am awake, if I felt I needed to.
I love my life, I really do...the business and the homeschooling and the dogs (I bring up dogs because one of ours has been very sick...so added stress)...I would not trade it for anyone else's set up....but I have seriously been feeling I just needed a break from it all. A few weeks ago (or months, hard to keep track of time anymore....hahahaha) we had a few days just Ben and I (I wrote a blog post about it) and it was wonderful, it did refresh me but it just wasn't enough...within no time I was back to feeling overwhelmed with all that had to be done in our life. (And I know it is not a lot compared to other families/other people....I do understand that, but I am just sharing my heart here...)
So, when this virus first started spreading and Ben started talking about self-isolating our family, I gotta say I was all on board...not having to go anywhere sounded awesome to me (not that we go many places anyway lol), but then we would still have homeschooling and business stuff to deal with...and on top of that the stress of this current life, not exactly the "rest" my body was craving.
Week one came and went, emotionally I was doing well, we got into a groove, we relaxed on homeschooling and just enjoyed each day...even though they all kinda looked the same. lol Week two we changed up a little, tried to get some schooling into the mix, organized a few spots in the house that needed it (there is still more...always) but overall it was a good week too, quiet and boring but not horrible.
But the past few days were not so serene. We made the decision to put our business on pause (temporarily close, pause it...not sure the correct terminology) because about 80-90 % of our income is made at Craft Fairs, Markets, Festivals....and with this whole virus there is none of those happening. Sure, we do get some orders here and there outside of the fairs, but our business IS those events...which is why we try and do as many of them as we physically can. So, when we learned of the help from the government, we knew we had to do everything we could to qualify....because without that help we, as a family, would not survive financially through just our online orders. We do appreciate all our customers and the orders we do receive....but honestly, if we had no fair/markets/festivals then our business could not sustain our family.
Making this decision triggered something within me...maybe the "realness" of the whole situation. I began to worry about our financial state (and I don't usually do that...lol) I began to blame myself for the predicament of the world.
And I know how crazy/silly/outrageous that sounds....but it is the truth. I began to wonder if my needing a "break" from all things life related was the cause of this whole pandemic. Every time the government came on to talk about this virus and how it is affected Canadians, I would pray that they would say that it really would be 18-24 months before life got back to normal....because I felt I needed it for my soul. I just needed to have days on end where I had no responsibilities...I did not want my normal life...I wanted a self-isolated life with no outside responsibilities....in my mind (and yes everyone can laugh at this...lol) my kids would love this time just as much as I anticipated I would love it. We would play games, and try new things, we would bake and craft and watch movies together. We would learn through doing and seeing and practicing....we would take walks in our woods and learn about the trees and watch the flowers bloom. We would take the time to organize the house, and teach the kids how to keep it tidy and instil a love of a job well done. We would make memories that would last a lifetime, we would be relaxed and joyful to be together.
As you can guess, things have not been playing out quite how I had envisioned. The kids are bored, I am still tired (even though I have been napping almost every day), the house still gets messy....laundry is still piling up (how?!?! most of us just wear our pj's all day long...how do we have so much laundry still? LOL), the idea of trying to figure out how to get groceries without actually going to a store is a little nerve racking, the kids are not really understanding the need to "ration" the food we have...they still want to eat all the time.
I woke up a few days ago with anxiety...really bad. As most of you know, I do suffer from PMDD but since I had my hysterectomy 1 year ago I have a hard time keeping track of my cycles...so this anxiety may coincide with my cycle but I honestly have no idea. But it was real and it was there and I could not pinpoint exactly what was causing it. If you have never felt anxiety before...I can only describe it as a constant weight on my chest, like I am being squeezed from all around, like a state of fear/panic just waiting for something bad to happen. Even though Ben tells me we will be ok financially, even though my kids are healthy and safe (except Adrianna...who is healthy but still working...which I am very proud of her for helping in this way...but I do worry about her and miss her), even though we live somewhere we are very safe from this virus...we have 25 acres to explore, so in theory we should not get bored...lol...the anxiety was still there (still there a little today but not as bad, which makes me think it probably was just my cycle trying to mess me up)....but that is when these crazy thoughts began...what if my need for a "rest" a "break" was the cause of this whole pandemic.
Now, before you think I am too narcissistic, I do not actually mean just myself being the cause. But what if our world just needed a breather? What if the whole human race needed a rest, a break, a time to sit back and take stalk of where we are, as a whole, and where we are heading. If I need that, then maybe others do as well.
When I hear that the self-isolation efforts are working (or appear to be working) I am truly glad...I would not wish sickness and death upon anyone...but I gotta be honest and say I do have a small part of me that hopes that we still get a few months of this life (the self-isolation) left. Even though it is not going how I was hoping....I still feel the need for it to continue....I still have plans/hopes/wishes/ dreams that this time will give me and my family what I envision for it. And for the world...maybe life overall will just be slower after this is all done...and maybe life will never be the same.
I know everyone is hoping for this to be over by summer....but selfishly I kinda do not. We have a wonderful property...and I would love nothing more than to be able to spend the summer here with my family without any outside activities drawing us away from relaxing/enjoying it. So...sorry if this lasts a long time...I can take the blame...just don't come within 6 ft of me to disclose your distain for me...do it from afar. hahahaha