When Christmas Doesn't Feel Like Christmas

Today's blog may not happen.

Maybe it will end up being a list of things I love or a list of things I hate. 

Maybe it will just be a jumbled mess of all the lists running around in my head. I doubt anyone could make sense of it, I surely cannot. 

Christmas season is here. There are lists of things to do, places to go, people to see....and each of those are both personally and business related for us. 

Christmas used to be my favourite time of the year. I loved everything about it. I still try to enjoy it, but honestly, it now comes with such a large amount of stress...not always "good" stress either. 

I used to enjoy the decorating and the gift purchasing (and making) and the wrapping....I enjoyed the baking (I never had to actually cook too many Christmas meals, we always go to grandparents houses for that).

I enjoyed watching Christmas movies and baking cookies with the kids. I enjoyed reading by the Christmas tree and relaxing with some warm cocoa or tea and a candy cane. 

I clearly remember the first year Christmas gave me no enjoyment. The two middle girls were small, I remember everyone talking about decorating and getting in the spirit....but I was just not feeling it. No amount of Christmas music or candy canes (I guess I like candy canes since I have mentioned it twice already....hahaha) sparked my joy. I was sad that whole Christmas. Maybe no one else even noticed my disappointment (I do not remember that part) but I remember NOT caring about Christmas at all. Sure, I still did all the hustle and bustle...all the gatherings, I still do all the shopping and wrapping and parties....but all with a sad/heavy heart. 

I have not felt that way every year since then, but definitely variations of it. I have never made it back to the "before" pleasure I used to get just from the season. 

This year (I know the season is just starting, so hard to know for sure) it appears to be a mild sadness. I am going through all the motions, being busy, decorating, listening to Christmas music, making lists and checking them twice (hahaha)....but it is not filling my heart and comforting my soul. It almost feels like I am "faking it till I make it." 

For me, Christmas has never been about the gifts. I have always loved the idea of making gifts for those I love, but (and maybe this is part of my problem), there just doesn't seem to be the time anymore. 

I once thought a totally handmade Christmas would be fun. Especially with the internet now, you can learn how to make anything. One year I made a rope basket...that was cool to learn to do. 

Anyone ever feel this way? Got any tips? 

I thought about having a Christmas party (Ugly Christmas sweater party or something similar), maybe I am lacking in enough "just for fun" Christmas activities and too many "we gotta do this to pay the bills" Christmas activities. hahahaha

And I know this is not the reason (cause it started long before we owned our own business), but I am always looking for "reasons" I feel the way I do, and being busy with the business appears to be a good excuse this year. lol 

Just like everything in life, Christmas season is here, whether I am ready for it physically, mentally and emotionally or not.