I am my own worse critic. I look at myself in the mirror and see all my flaws. I look in my head and see all the things that are wrong with me, from the way I think to the things I think about.
It is a hard place to be in....not liking yourself. I always wondered how I can love others....if I have a hard time loving myself. There are tons of sayings around that talk about not caring what others think of you, and those are great, but when others think you are great, but you think you suck and have a hard time believing them, how do you work through that?
I have, over the years, gone to therapy. Some of it has helped with the hateful self-talk, but mainly it just pushes it a little further down, only to resurface at a later time more loaded than before.
I seriously find it hard to believe that there are people who look in the mirror and like what they see.....or that just overall like themselves. I know there are these people, I live with one of them....sure maybe they have little things they would like to change, their nose or their hair....but overall these people truly enjoy who they are, both their physical appearance and their personality. I have a hard time wrapping my head around people that feel that way about themselves. lol
I look at my husband, who has changed in physical appearance drastically over the 23 years of our marriage....and I still think he is hot. I look at him and love everything about him, I see no faults. But I have a really hard time imagining that he feels the same about me. (I know he does....he tells me ALL.THE.TIME) But my brain (or heart?!?) just has a hard time believing it. Can he really like my stretch marks? Can he really like the extra bulge around the middle? My love handles? My always bruised legs (cause I am clumsy and bruise easily...lol)? I am also certified crazy a few weeks out of every month (thanks to PMDD....if you don't know what this is or that I have it, go back to my older blogs I explain it), this must make it super hard for someone to love me all the time....or so it feels to me. But even though he has faults with his personality (everyone does) I love him, and like him and enjoy his company through those faults.....but again, I have a really hard time imagining that he can feel the same about me.
I have begun a journey of believing what others say about me. I know the "cool" thing to do now is to not worry about what others say about you, just to care what you want. But for me, that is not healthy. If I never listened to others and only to myself, I would be depressed all the time. I would never know that I am special and beautiful and smart and funny. My self-hate talk is strong, I am never good enough or skinny enough or smart enough. But if I listen to others, to those people, I am those things.
So, at 41 years old...I am going to believe the good others say about me. I have begun to do this in little ways already. Here is a funny story (or I find it funny)....I have been wearing long skirts/dresses/pants/longer shorts for years....like a lot of years, cause I think my thighs are too big to "show off"...I have cellulite and hair....so I have been hiding them. We were at an event and there was a very beautiful woman (long dark hair, tall, olive skin...) and she had on shorter shorts (not show off butt cheek shorts but above the knee) and you know what? She had cellulite....but she did not care, and no one else did either. She was beautiful with her upper legs showing, even though they were not photoshopped perfect. So, thanks to the lady at the event, I went out and bought myself some shorts and I proudly wear them, thick thighs, cellulite and all. When I put them on, I still cringe, just a little, but I walk out the door with my head held high and go forth as if I have the self esteem to match my shorts. hahahaha I do not...but I am going with a fake it till I make it attitude :P
Yesterday I was at an event...I had 7 different people tell me how great I looked....I left feeling nice, my heart was full of the praise. I even forgot that people could see my love handles when I was sitting...or that I had not waxed my moustache for a few months....no one saw my faults that I see when I look in the mirror, they saw my person as a whole. I was in a great mood, I got to hang out with my favourite person in the whole world (hubby) and the sun was shinning. I would think they saw that when they looked at me....the happiness pouring out.
And of course beauty is not only about physical beauty, but for me I have always struggled with my physical self....and right now, I find it easier to focus on training my brain to see the outer beauty and I will deal with my inner demons another time. hahahaha Cause those are many and pretty deeply rooted, and because of PMDD, I know my mind tells me lots of lies.
Because of this journey for myself, I am going to also begin to openly tell others that they look good/how I admire them/what a great job they are doing. I am not one to give my praise away easily, I find it difficult in case anyone mistakes my intentions....but the time for that is over. None of us know how long we have left to live this life...let's be kind and grace filled to one another and maybe, just maybe, we can help someone gain a little respect for themselves in the process :)