I do not remember much when I was little…never have, so I know it is not just old age. So I cannot tell you if I was a little kid who went around singing or not. But I can tell you that I remember as a teenager, I used to sing. I was in choir at school and at church. No one ever told me I was a good singer…but I do remember a few times I was told I was not very good. (Why do the negative things prior say always stick with us more than the positive?!?) And they basically set me up for a life of thinking I could not/was not a good singer.
I know some people have enough self confidence to sing or dance no matter how they sound/what they look like. But that has not always been me. I basically only sang when I was alone (in the shower or the empty car) for many, many years…probably 20 or so years of my life. I always sang along to happy birthday….or in church, but never very loudly. I did always sing to my babies though…when I was putting them to bed, they always seemed to enjoy it.
Then several years ago (maybe 5 or so…time is so fuzzy I can not really remember…) I was in a very dark place (I do have blog posts about these dark places)…and I just decided that what I needed was to not care what anyone else thought of my voice. I loved music, and I was going to sing gosh darn it. So, I was cleaning one day and I put some headphones in and turned my music up loud….and sang….as loud as I wanted. I did not care that my family could hear, or that they either looked at me with terrified eyes or laughed. I just went right on singing. I couldn’t really hear myself but I thought I sounded great. Hahaha
That was seriously a turning point for me. I decided enough was enough, good voice or not, I was just going to sing when I wanted to. Now, I still only sing when music is on, I am not a solo singer, I want to be part of a duet or a band. Hahaha But it is so freeing to just allow myself to sing to songs that I love…the words wash over me like the ocean waves. By doing this I have learned that I can heal…I have always believed music can heal, but when you personally sing along it takes it to a whole new level. I can sing away pain, hurt, sadness, anxiety, depression, anger…It is not a fix all, those feelings can come back, but in that moment I don’t feel so alone in the world, I feel I am part of something bigger. I love that there really is a song for every mood out there, and as much as I do not care for technology…in this instance I am so thankful that all I need to do is search up a song/artist and within seconds I have my phone playing exactly what my soul needed.
I have different playlists. The one I use the most lately is actually just called Untitled…cause I never bothered naming it. It changes, I add songs and delete songs. I don’t even know what I would call it. One of my playlists is called PMDD (I have blogs about having this before…if you need to know what it is) and that one is awesome for when you are angry. Belt out those lyrics and you cannot help but feel empowered. Sometimes I don’t belt them out, cause they contain questionable lyrics that a 9 year old probably shouldn’t hear. But then again there are times when I just don’t care about that, I need to help myself, so I can be with my family.
I am sorry that I have lost 20 or so years because I cared too much what other people thought. I hope me learning the lesson now, will help my kids feel they can sing if they wanna sing…dance if they wanna dance and let the music heal them too.