The End of a Chapter

Posted by Lisa Stevens on

I feel like all I ever do in my blog posts is open my heart and let everyone in. This post will go along with that theme. lol 

On March 14th, I will be having a much needed surgery. (I am not going to go into details about why it is much needed….) But the emotional anguish it will have on me is what I will talk about. 

This is the end of a chapter in my life. It is a chapter that has lasted most of my life. I am very glad it is ending….but that does not make it bittersweet to me. 
I am having a hysterectomy…I am done having children….I want to be done….I do NOT want anymore….the desire has left. 

But my heart still hurts that I will lose the ability to have them. I am going to be losing a huge part of me….a special part of my body that housed 5 full term babies. Oh it gave me loads of grief….6 miscarriages and 1 molar pregnancy. I was never one for easy menstrual cycles, but yet….it housed my five babies, it grew them and grew them well….even with all it’s problems, I have felt comforted to know that it is there….and they are removing it, taking it out. It will be a hole in my middle (and heart) that will be gone forever. 

                                         "This picture spoke to me deeply"

I have all kinds of doubt about how i will feel after. Will my body heal and recover ok? (I have yet to go through any type of “easy” procedure and it truly be easy for me….I have one of those “if something will go wrong, it will go wrong with me” type of bodies. LOL) 

But I know in the end, this is the solution I have been waiting for, I have contemplated all my options and this is the one that makes the most sense. But that will not stop me from second guessing myself or my doctors that this is the best one….because it is so permanent…once it is done…there is no turning back. 
And it is not because I want more children….or love my monthly cycle….it is more about the losing something, losing a part of me that will be irreversible once it is done. 

I have always loved babies…I used to look at them and my uterus would ache….I once thought there would never come a day when I would be “satisfied” with the amount of children I had birthed, but after my youngest (who is almost 6) I do not have that feeling any longer. My body or heart has been satisfied with the amount of children I have. Almost to the point where I don’t “enjoy” babies like I used to. I rarely need a snuggle or cuddle from them….where when I was younger I would want to hold any baby, anytime. lol 

In the end, it is not so much that I am sad that the chapter is ending…but that I will always look fondly at the memories of that chapter…and that will bring me both joy and sadness.

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  • Dear Lisa – I had a hysterectomy when I was 32. This was almost 36 years ago. Back then the surgery involved was very invasive compared to our modern day methods of performing a hysterectomy. It was necessary because I had a severe case of endometriosis which had grown into my bowel. I suffered excruciating pain for several years before the surgery. I had had one miscarriage and then gave birth to twins. My doctor was very wise and counselled me well about the physical and emotional aspects of this surgery. Some people tried to convince me that I was too young, that I should have more children before doing something so FINAL. An aunt told me she had had a hysterectomy and had never felt like a woman again. Despite the naysayers I went through with the surgery which I now tell everyone was the best surgery ever invented. After all the years of discomfort and inconvenience I woke up the morning following the surgery a new woman. Contrary to my aunt’s negative attitude I felt every bit “a woman”. I was a healthy woman, a woman who was not only physically healthy but emotionally healthy. For years the days I was unable to function properly took its toll on my mental and emotional being. I was still every bit a woman because I still had a woman’s heart. Yes my ovaries and uterus had made it possible for me to be a mother but even if they had never given me that opportunity I would still have been a woman. Also I feel that once I was healthy I was able to be a much better mother and wife. I pray that you will find the same feelings of wholeness and happiness that was my experience. Love you my sweet friend.

    Nancy on

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